Sunday, July 3, 2011

nowhere to go

I don't know why, but I'm realize how very much my associations are strung together and deeply lodged in my breart (I just accidentally wrote that, it's my brain-heart).

I feel backed into a corner about God. When it comes down to it, I blame the rhetoric attached to him/it for staying way too long in something that was killing me. Bottom line, that's what it is. I picked up from Christianity that I need to be committed, pure, holy, intentional; that marriage is an Ultimate; that suffering purifies you. This is all a bunch of hooey, perhaps even shit. If God doesn't love us and want us to be happy, why the hell should we have anything to do with him? And I can't trust the people who preach that he does, indeed, love us and want us to be happy, because those were the ones that strapped me with all the freaking rules and expectations in the first place. Even in subtle ways, ways they would not acknowledge if I confronted them with it.

I gave 500% when I should have stopped at 200%. Your kids are worth you giving 200% to try to salvage/restore/heal something that they need in order to thrive ideally, but past that point, you're so dead that they end up being hurt more. The Christians were the ones that told me to keep going, though. The ones that questioned me, doubted me, judged me. Even the ones I loved. I know I can't expect superhuman unbrokenness from anyone, but stop talking about love and God if you can't actually live up to your words. You are doing incredible damage.

(Why do I just want to write "fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck" about 100 times here??)