Friday, July 29, 2011

rabbit hole

"Not going to group tonight?"

"Too much God talk for me."

"Some people find that comforting."

"Yeah, well, it pisses me off."

This is a good movie. Making me think about grief. Mainly, that there's no right way to do it, nor is there One way to do it. It's the story of a couple who lost their 4 year old son in a car accident 8 months prior, and each character in the movie is dealing with it in their own ways.

It's making me think about how grief and suffering are very challenging to do in a socially appropriate way. I just watched two consecutive scenes where the dad accidentally starts to open up about losing his son to the people looking to buy their house, and the woman of the couple makes a face as they're leaving the room as if to say "Whoa, that was too much information." Then Nicole Kidman ends up slapping a woman in the middle of a grocery store who says "You're not a mom, are you? I didn't think so." When her sister tries to explain to the woman that Nicole just lost her son in a car accident, the woman says "I don't care."

I don't care. Ooh how that hurts. When you're going through an intense emotional time, it's really hard to maintain social appropriateness. Really, really hard. Your heart is bleeding, and blood is messy. And people who are out of touch with themselves impound the wounds of the people struggling (and obviously occasionally failing) to stay within the social boundaries. Do you know how much it hurts someone in pain to hear things like "Wow, he needs to talk to a therapist"? It's embarassing.

Social appropriateness wouldn't be a problem if everyone could manage to not be so bunged up - if we could learn how to be safe places for ourselves and then everyone around us. Everyone needs to learn how to listen, not just therapist personalities. Everyone needs to fight as hard as they can to become a loving, giving person.

I received a lot of this kind of rejection during the divorce. I continue to receive a lot of this by being an open person. That's why everybody calls it brave to open yourself up - because there are so many people out there in the world who have shut themselves down and attack openness when they see it.

Too bad. We don't get better, and the world doesn't get better, if we don't feel things, and if we don't have patience and lack of judgment for those who are suffering - including ourselves.