Wednesday, July 13, 2011

why am I scared?

So silly. There has been 100x times love versus attacks from this experience. All of your words are so meaningful to me. I remember feeling so unseen all those years, like "I am doing a big thing here! I wish somebody could see what is going on, because I am working so hard!"* Now, so much kindness is pouring in. I feel like I'm staring at a mirrorball with a hundred little reflections of love and goodness and strength. Time to dance!

I got a massage from an incredible friend on Monday (Nashville people, go here). During it she said, "I feel like you need to hear the words, 'You don't deserve this,'" and I started crying. I always think I could do better, could have done better, it's my fault for having gotten involved in such wacky religiousness in the first place, I should have known not to marry that person... It's not fun to be in the New York Times for having been a fundie; it's like being on the other side of the glass while people are pointing and staring at a freak show.

After the massage Linda said "You have an open wound, treat yourself as such for the next day or two. Be gentle with yourself. Don't give anything to anyone beyond your kids. Let yourself be needy." That image was very helpful. Funny how heart wounds can affect our energy levels as much as physical ones. I've done a lot of healing in the last two years, but life continues to draw things out, and it's never over - which at least means we get to never stop treating ourselves to good things like showers, and conversations with peaceful friends like Dan, and fresh summer dresses. (Or drinking & Indiana Jones, which is what Nate knew I needed Monday night.) I can face life's shit if it means I get to constantly clean it off with the plethora of good things available.

*I just want you all to know: I know you have silent struggles and battles, too. Like I've said before, everybody is a Christ in their story, getting persecuted in various ways by all sorts of nuanced suffering. And that's why Jesus only makes sense to me if he's a slice of divinity saying "Now I get it" on the cross. None of this "You're shitty sinners, and I'm awesome, and you'd better be & say sorry, look what I'm doing for you."