Thursday, August 18, 2011

Regal Beachness

I drank caffeine so I'm up late. I'm in Oak Island NC with Nate and some of our friends. I saw a lot of random mentions of "blue sky" last week leading up to this (freedom! peace!) and also a lot of random crowns everywhere. I'm feeling peaceful and solidified. And confident. Funny that I wrote that last post because I feel free and open and just -- myself. I feel like I am 30 and I like it. Though I'm the only parent on the trip, I don't feel odd like I used to for so long. These friends see and know Bethany in all my facets and just accept them. I'm a mom. I'm not only a mom, and I'm a good mom.

I also noticed today that I can casually mention my divorce in a conversation without feeling anything. I must have purged most of it. Maybe the NYT got the last of that shit out. Maybe its just time passing. Whatever it is, I love it.

Six or seven years ago I bought myself a necklace and chose two little charms - a crown and the word "relax." Initially I was going to buy the word "believe" but that seemed too guilt-inducing and heavy. I felt like God was reassuring me, "Relax, I'm making you into a queen."

I've been able to do that this trip in new ways. I worked extremely hard last week, up until the minute Nate came to pick me up. And it pushed me to a new breaking point of just being done with overextending my caregivingness, nurturing, mothering. I got here and just felt an inner sense of "I can stay in my boundaries and be okay." That's made room for other people to give to me. Queens work hard, and they also kick back in beauty and receptiveness. The beach has showered me with treasure, like the moment yesterday when I was laying marveling at a drop of water inches from my vision like a diamond blessing my skin, and noticing how pretty my hair was next to it. I've been dreaming a lot about jewelry lately, twice about lost or dropped treasures and once about choosing between three different rings that symbolized my feminine work and achievement.

Just wrote a quote in my journal today from a book, "Mindfulness," that resonated: "At last, after so long, happiness - fragmentary, perhaps, and charged with gravity, but true and unmistakable none the less - had returned to her." I just now realized that it was talking about Queen Victoria.