Tuesday, September 6, 2011

10 years

Today is Gideon's birthday, and we have come full circle. I brought him a big cupcake at school and ate lunch with him. I baked oreo marshmallow brownies for all of them after school in celebration. We had a good night doing homey things all night. I went through old photos all day - photos I haven't looked at in over 5 years, that have sat in the basement, that made it through the Great Nashville Flood untouched. I put it off because I was too worried about the rush of feelings it would inspire - but after crying a little this morning for reasons I couldn't really explain to myself (sadness? just, overwhelmed by the bigness of this transition? integrating what becoming a mom before I knew who I was really entailed?), I dove in, and it was surprisingly healing and positive. We had some good years starting off. I wasn't depressed after Gid and Ril. I was young and fresh and pretty, heading into the great unknown and feeling like it was a terrific adventure. And it was, complete with the part of the adventure that S U C K S and H U R T S. But not all of it was like that, and it's good to look back and re-member, put some arms and legs back on moments of light that were there all along.

I like being a mom, and I can do this pretty well. Gideon Allen Torode was one of the best things that ever happened to me and I am lucky to belong with him.