Tuesday, March 20, 2012

broken mirrors

Vivian: People put you down enough, you start to believe it.
Edward Lewis: I think you are a very bright, very special woman.
The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?

I remember this standing out to me when I watched Pretty Woman (for the first time, as an adult). I was eating tonight despite not being hungry, which I have just resigned myself to being par for the course during this season. I eat because I'm bored. I eat because I'm still afraid somehow I'll run out of money to buy anything more than pasta for us and this is my last chance at ice cream. I eat because it's an easy escape. I eat because I'm too shy to call someone. I eat because I've finally come into a season of feasting and after so many years of my heart and mind having a fast forced on them, I will damn well eat pleasurable food when I want.  I was unearthing more layers tonight, though. I eat because I hate conflict and when you are thin, other women get jealous and attack you. I eat because if I get "too pretty," most women won't want to be my friend, and I really need friends. I eat because if I'm thin and my normal happy friendly self, women think I am trying to flirt with their husbands. I eat because five years ago I probably was flirting with their husbands and didn't realize it. I eat because four years ago somebody I trusted sat me down and told me I couldn't be trusted, which was followed a few months later by someone else I trusted telling me I was a bad mom, which was followed by others saying I had baggage and was too broken to bother with. 
What an obsessing coward I am, right, that I'm still carrying other people's shadow-curses around from three, four, five, ten years ago? Layers of stuff in there. Thankfully there hasn't been anything new coming my way for awhile in terms of self-righteous people kicking me while I'm down, but holy shit - I use those words very purposefully - four years ago it was the worst year of my life socially, and nothing has come close since.  My therapist warned me about the social gauntlet I was facing when I told her I had filed for divorce, and to say she was right was an understatement. Outside of the death of a loved one, I doubt another year like that will ever visit me again. We were studying Buddhism in class and the book talked about the Buddha being attacked by a bazillion trials and evil spirits right before he achieved enlightenment. "I remember when that happened to me," I thought, except I do not feel enlightened, and I am back to padding myself from the world with an extra 20 pounds and still believing a lot of the bad stuff.

How to uncurse? Spend time with people who speak good words to you, who trust you, believe in you, do not just treat you like a spiritual project to get them heaven-points. Pretty much the only people in my life these days are bright, reflective souls full of love, and WOW do I feel strengthened after even just a lunch with one of them. I'm heading into a season full of people love, and I am very excited about it. I know how to steer clear of those who I sense are not able to love themselves enough to shed any light outward.That is one of the crowning jewels of having made it to 30.