Vivian: People put you down enough, you start to believe it.
Edward Lewis: I think you are a very bright, very special woman.
Vivian: The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?
I remember this standing out to me when I watched Pretty Woman (for the
first time, as an adult). I was eating tonight despite not being
hungry, which I have just resigned myself to being par for the course
during this season. I eat because I'm bored. I eat because I'm
still afraid somehow I'll run out of money to buy anything more than
pasta for us and this is my last chance at ice cream. I eat because
it's an easy escape. I eat because I'm too shy to call someone. I eat
because I've finally come into a season of feasting and after so many
years of my heart and mind having a fast forced on them, I will damn
well eat pleasurable food when I want. I was unearthing more layers tonight, though. I
eat because I hate conflict and when you are thin, other women get
jealous and attack you. I eat because if I get "too pretty," most women
won't want to be my friend, and I really need friends. I eat because if
I'm thin and my normal happy friendly self, women think I am trying to
flirt with their husbands. I eat because five years ago I probably was
flirting with their husbands and didn't realize it. I eat because four
years ago somebody I trusted sat me down and told me I couldn't be
trusted, which was followed a few months later by someone else I
trusted telling me I was a bad mom, which was followed by others saying
I had baggage and was too broken to bother with.
What an obsessing coward I am, right, that I'm
still carrying other people's shadow-curses around from three, four, five, ten years ago?
Layers of stuff in there. Thankfully there hasn't been anything new
coming my way for awhile in terms of self-righteous people kicking me
while I'm down, but holy shit - I use those words very purposefully -
four years ago it was the worst year of my life socially, and nothing
has come close since. My therapist warned me about the social gauntlet
I was facing when I told her I had filed for divorce, and to say she
was right was an understatement. Outside of the death of a loved one, I
doubt another year like that will ever visit me again. We were studying
Buddhism in class and the book talked about the Buddha being attacked
by a bazillion trials and evil spirits right before he achieved
enlightenment. "I remember when that happened to me," I thought, except
I do not feel enlightened, and I am back to padding myself from the
world with an extra 20 pounds and still believing a lot of the bad stuff.
How to uncurse? Spend time with people who speak good words to
you, who trust you, believe in you, do not just treat you like a
spiritual project to get them heaven-points. Pretty much the only
people in my life these days are bright, reflective souls full of love,
and WOW do I feel strengthened after even just a lunch with one of them.
I'm heading into a season full of people love, and I am very excited
about it. I know how to steer clear of those who I sense are not able
to love themselves enough to shed any light outward.That is one of the crowning jewels of having made it to 30.