Thursday, April 5, 2012

self-doubt, the bane of my existence

I wonder if it will ever not be. :-p I fall into the tribe of intuitives, and we are at the bottom of the social totem pole, behind businessmen, scientists, and yes even religious folks. We're just - both too normal, and a little too odd. And there are lots of mentally unstable versions of us, ruining our reputation before we had a chance to establish it. We get cred only in indigenous cultures where shamans and divine connection make obvious sense because nature is where it's at for the majority of people.

Carl Jung made big strides for intuitives, and I'm slowly making my way through his autobiography and finding help there. The vocation of Therapist has mainstreamed soul-healers in our century, and that's a beautiful thing. Martha Beck is a pragmatic mystic functioning under the title of life-coach; Oprah has done us all a service by giving Martha a platform. Martha's book "Finding Your Own North Star" saved my soul (is that religious language some people think should only be reserved for Jesus Christ? Yes it is. Do I believe a real Jesus would be on the same soul-saving team as mystic ex-Mormon life coaches? A B S O L U T E L Y .)

But I've doubted all of it, not the least my experiences. I've thought "She's just out to get money and sales." Which, maybe she partly is, because all of us need to make money to live and eat. But I had this great dream a few months ago in which one of my best friends (who I experience as a mystic) looked straight into my eyes and hers were these big, anime-style, radiant blue orbs ringed with lovely black eyelashes, despite the fact that in real life Jenny's are soft brown. It was a dream about friendship, connectedness, and feminine worth.

I woke up and later that afternoon found myself watching a Martha Beck weblog, which I don't do, because I feel like I don't even have time for videos. I laughed with delight when I saw her face - the eyes were hers! Carl Jung would endorse this synchronicity/foreknowing. To me, it was a sign that she is not just a manipulative money-grubber, that Martha's mysticism and Jenny's mysticism (that is to say, love) come from the same place, that I can truly relax and trust Martha and trust the experience I had following her lead while making my way through the horrible events of three years ago.

Today I found myself laying down on my parents' deck in the sun to call Nate. I looked up and noticed a hawk holding steady directly above me, what looked like at least a mile in the air - it was barely visible. I had never seen one so high before.

Tonight I was reading Martha's new book "Finding Your Way In a Wild New World" and laughed when this quote appeared. Ever more reassurance for the self-doubt always plaguing me about my gut promptings and intuitions.

"Puncture the veil of duality by embracing paired opposites... If you can truly absorb paradox... you'll suddenly find yourself very high up, watching the world with strangely clear vision... 'The silence holds with its gloved hand the wild hawk of the mind.'"