Tuesday, June 12, 2012

the good ole days when times were rough

I have the summer cabin fever the way I used to ALL THE TIME. Which makes me note how things have gotten much, much better overall. Running a bed and breakfast out of my home has helped give me extra money to do things like buy $5 beach towels at Walgreens for when we go over to Nate's house to swim in his pool. I love having a little more money. It helps stress levels A LOT. More than meditation, more than friends. Well, maybe only equal to friends. :-)

Today I just found out, though, that my savings and all my extra cash for the rest of the summer and into the fall are going to have to go towards paying off some suddenly-due student loans. This was a blindside. I feel like I'm having a little bit of a mental breakdown from it. I need to manage my obsessive thoughts better, but holy boy, sudden stress sure kicks in both my problem-solving perseveration and my isolationism. I have also been stressing out over future weddings and babies and how to help make money for our family for the rest of my life in a way that doesn't make me bitchy, and none of these things need to be stressed out about exactly right now.

I thought I was good at living in the now, but there are undiscovered layers of freak-out in me, oh yes there are. I have old, old patterns that are a bitch to change. Like thinking that I have to keep my freakouts to myself, or that weddings and babies and how to make money are 100% my burden. Why I take so much on myself, I do not know. How to reach out and get outside of myself, I desperately crave to practice.

Also, to anyone reading, please send all the love and prayers you can to one of my best friends' moms, Cindy. She is ill. Thanks.

I think Cindy would want me to make a happy list right now, actually. So let me tell you some good things:

I turned 31 last week, with great loving people around me. They toasted what they love about me, and it was ROUGH to receive, and I also wanted to cry because it made me feel good. It was a really, really good birthday present. They said I was kind, calming, uplifting, genuine, expansive, welcoming, and giving. If God could work with me with one thing this year, it would be the ability to be more vulnerable and just cry in front of people about something like this. I think that moment was maybe all any of us ever want - a fellowship who knows us.

My man continues to teach me how to love with his open heart and arms. I notice myself talking to my kids or holding them the way he does me. I couldn't fix the broken mirroring in our family alone. He is uniquely gifted for it. He calls me his Bunny, and for my birthday he got me a 90-year-old hand tooled bunny from Tibet. This man is in the divine flow. Over the weekend he snapped a picture of me next to a flower growing out of a pile of granite. He looked at the photo on the camera's screen. "Beautiful!" he declared. I took the camera from him and winced at it; my posture, the angle, my chubby face, my shiny face lotion, my expression - everything about it was about as opposite from aesthetically beautiful as any picture of myself I've ever seen. Being loved unconditionally is pretty much the best and the hardest. He is better at giving it than I am. (I had just been irritated with him for burning some sausage 2 hours earlier.)

I am thinking about eventually pursuing Life Helping, also known as Life Coaching, also known as intuitive positive therapy. It is good to have a vocational possibility in the back of my heart that doesn't sound like the death of my heart to me. It is also an intimidating thought.

My children are healthy and hilarious. Eden is 5 and so much more easy to communicate with than a year ago.

I'm going to go to Wisconsin soon, and see my sisters and their babies, and be nurtured by the quiet green.