Wednesday, June 27, 2012

opening the heart

I've been crying a lot lately, and not the depressed kind. I cried as I watched Last of the Mohicans with my boyking's arms around me, because Daniel Day-Lewis was so markedly comforting of his love, with his gentle hands on her hair, and because Men who hold are real. (I dare you to find a movie with more tenderness in it.) I got choked up for perhaps the 7th time listening to Andrew Petersen's song Love Is a Good Thing while playing it for my brother and sister as we stayed up till 3am talking about marriage. I tried not to cry today listening to my sister describe a scene from We Bought a Zoo that made her cry, a scene about a widower remembering his young family having a picnic on a sunny day. A running theme: I watched that video of the dancing friends & family engagement proposal three times (back when it was still at 100K views), and cried like a baby every time.

I remember my friend Megan crying like this a lot the week before she got engaged, when she knew it was coming. I think about how we are all going to be happy-weeping when she walks down the aisle and her mom Cindy is there, Cindy who is doing better and going to make it just fine.

"If you tend to respond to love by running or panicking, don't push yourself. You must eventually get over the problem if you want your emotional wounds to heal, but you can't force this to happen.
     Just try to accept as much compassion as possible, in whatever form you can stand it. Persist in this effort and, over time, your resistance to love will relax.
     Then you will enter the 'emotional flooding' stage that happens when a wounded heart begins to heal." -
Martha B.

I have been persisting in my efforts to allow, in particular, Nathan Robertson Crandell to share his love and compassion with me. It's taken over two years just to get to the following point: a few months ago, I unexpectedly began weeping when I came across a photo of the view from a cabin porch available to rent 3 hours from Nashville. It took all the courage I had to ask if he would go there with me for my birthday. It took even more courage to ask for specific gifts of time and attention while there, like eating certain foods I like and watching movies I picked. The bravery was worth it because I felt more peaceful and loved on our drive home than I've felt in ages. He wasn't doing anything different - I had just been practicing the spiritual discipline of being able to stand his love extra much.

p.s. Helichrysum, also called the very beautiful Everlasting, Essential Oil, works on the part of the brain where these things are processed. (It has to be the same part where happy gas and alcohol trigger "lovey drunk" openness.) I've been applying a drop a day. It's aiding the healing, because this heart-weeping deluge has coincided with my beginning to use it - and both have happened for a good month, and PMS cannot last that long...