Friday, June 29, 2012

something glowing

I've been wanting some kind of jewelry with an opal in it for months. Yesterday in a little shop in my hometown I came across a ring with three. It was $10 and unusual looking. I thought to myself "It looks kind-of modern" and went for it.

On closer inspection today it reminds me of a section of spine - the lower part. I laughed in the car - "I've got a spine again! A backbone!" (I do. I will stand up for myself when I need to; I will stand for justice in the world for another if I need to. The old strong bossy part of me is back.) I figured it could represent "confidence celebration" when I glance at it.

Tonight for no reason I had a sudden "fat and ugly" attack. I felt absolutely hopeless about ever losing weight or being healthier or not eating so much sugar for comfort. Exercise routine? HA. I've tried so many times. It never lasts. Maybe, if I only had one kid. Maybe, if I wasn't a single mom. The old impossible despair thoughts.

I called my friend Jenny and told her about it as I walked down my parents' driveway in the midnight darkness. I cried a little. She empathized. I told her "I just need some hope. I know if that can change in me everything else will follow."

Something caught my eye along the edge of the road. Something glowing. I thought it was a firefly but it wasn't moving and the glow was strong. I got closer and found this

A magic caterpillar. I lived in Wisconsin 25 years and have never seen one before. It was glowing in the pattern of my ring.

I sat on my parents' porch and watched it crawl around my hand as we talked; I thought about God and my body and the ring. As I did the little thing crawled up my hand seeking a safe place and before I could stop her went under and up into the ring's setting. I was scared to move it to free her; she was so tight I thought she'd get squashed. She curled back into the top and made herself at home in spite of the squeeze.

I say she because I eventually wriggled the ring off gently and went inside and learned about her. She is a glowworm, the phengodidae species. Only females in the species glow. They glow in particular when they curl around their eggs. They are not firefly larvae; they are glowworms. (Anyone else have one of those dolls when they were little? There was one at my grandma's house and it was my favorite thing.) The only people I found who anecdotally mentioned finding them online were all 3 from Wisconsin (one man had lived here 36 years and also never seen one before).

I hope I can see how glowing my body is at all times - and can bring out its radiance through even better health. I hope I can make myself at home in my tight spot. I hope.