Wednesday, August 1, 2012

sooner or later

I'm emotional. This happens during transitions. When I was little, going back to school or getting ready for a trip would bring out my melancholy - I'd start thinking about my parents getting older (when they were the age I am now), and I would feel sad.

My kids went back to school today; the oldest is in middle school and the youngest is in kindergarten. Most parents experiencing this age range are in their early 40s. Once again I feel outside, alone. I'm not, that is just a feeling, but if there's one thing the people I love have learned, it's to not try to force me to not let what I'm feeling just be for a little while.

I had bad dreams all night. Gideon was run over by a car, then I saw a photo of him as a baby, as if the car had run over him at both ages. Sometimes I think our hard decade combined with the family inheritance from his dad's side will affect him for life - he's so quiet, so sensitive. He keeps a lot inside, like me. I want him to be happy and whole, to thrive. I try to give anything I can, but it's a lot harder than it was when he was a baby and he could just sleep in my arms or nurse. I think my parents might feel this way about my grown siblings and I - how do you love a creature that is always growing up and away from you?

And then there is divorce, the divide that keeps on giving. It's strange splitting up your four kids so that the first day of school is easier, two at dad's and two at mom's. It's hard to fight the constant thought, "All of these problems wouldn't exist if we had gotten to be one of the lucky intact families."

Things will be better when our new family has formed. We're on our way towards that, but it's still the not-yet, and so I wait, and feel what needs to be felt.