Saturday, October 6, 2012

more strategic sunshine

I was having a rough self-image day last week - it's a constant battle, as I'm guessing any woman in our culture could tell you. I sat down underneath the thickest old tree I've found in Nashville - and that is saying something, because there are trees all over here that pre-date the Civil War - on Belmont’s front lawn, to read a few more pages of My Name is Asher Lev before class. It was a description of a nude drawing scene, something I did five years ago when I was pregnant to be brave, seen in my loneliness, and to help out the students with a unique form to practice with. 

     I read the words The girl sat very still, bathed in sunlight, and as I did, the sun came out from behind the clouds and poured onto me through the tree’s branches and leaves. That was all I needed - I felt beautiful and loved.
      It might be a little narcissistic that I'm constantly noticing reflections of my worth in the world around me. To a certain degree, because of having been hurt, I'm only open to channels that don't require vulnerability, though I'm slowly coming back around to humans. I think, though, that everyone needs this kind of selfish sight. Every patch of sun that falls on you is special, whether it's perfectly timed or not. 
     "How lovely it is to be your guest," my friend Jenny quoted from the Eastern Orthodox Akathist of Thanksgiving when we were talking about this today. How lovely it is, also, to be your pretty girl.